Equally Yoked: A Lesson From A {Former} Missionary Dater, Part 2

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness & wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” -2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV

This is a continuation of my last post “My Secret Diary: For Your Eyes Only” (I recommend you read that first if you haven’t=). So, remember my bus guy (J) who asked me to an awful movie, but was “open to suggestions,” whom I “politely” declined? As I said in the last post, it shoulda been the end of the story. I knew this man wasn’t a Christian because of the flick he suggested… here comes the but… But, he pursued me! I mean being asked out was huge in itself, but being pursued, now that was a whole other ball of wax! This guy was seeking me & my good favor. I felt wanted, special, & worthwhile to a guy. It felt good. So, somehow my “no” on the movie date metamorphosed into e-mails, phone calls, a lunch meeting, & a movie date (this one was PG). What on earth had happened & what was I thinking?!

I was charmed by this new feeling in my life. I was charmed by my pursuer. The charm was making my emotions a hazy mess! How much do I care for J? Could he be the one – my prince charming? (NOTE TO SELF: He did ride in on a bus, not a white steed. But, maybe his horse was getting re-shoed. Horses need footwear right?) Do I care simply because he cares for me? I told J early on that the most important thing he should know about me was that I am a Christian. I asked him what the most important thing I should know about him was – it wasn’t Christ. But, I still held on to the fact that perhaps I could change him.

Bess’ Handy Dictionary Definitions
Missionary Dating: dating a non-believer in hopes that you can change the other person (i.e.: lead them to Christ) while pursuing the relationship; also known as a bad idea!

Missionary dating – yes, they stuck a label to this thing – seemed perfectly logical in the moment (covered over with the charm). I mean, you try to lead people to Christ anyways…wouldn’t it be easier to try & lead your guy to the Lord? I could be meant to help this man & then we fall in love & live happily ever after! I prayed for God’s will & wisdom in this crazy feeling situation. I couldn’t rely on my emotions to grant me sound guidance.

During this time I felt a surprising closeness to the Lord. (I look back & thank Him, because without the feeling of His strong presence (which is constant, we just don’t always feel it), I could have done things I would have regretted.) I had never shared my faith so much. I had never stood up for Jesus against someone who looked upon Christianity as some optimist’s “fairy tales” (yep, he used those words). Though, hear me now, I don’t recommend missionary dating to boost your spiritual life. In fact, I think God used this time as a wake-up call to remind me I’m supposed to be sharing my faith openly…something I still find myself working on (you know, I've discovered that there are a lot of things we are lifelong learners at). On the flip side, it doesn’t always end up like this. In missionary dating someone’s gonna change, & you don’t want to find yourself on the other side of the coin skipping Bible studies & church to be with your ungodly guy – a deep pit I’ve seen many girls fall into. If I had truly been attracted head-over-heels with this guy, & let our relationship get deep, I’m afraid that could have easily been me. Yes, I now know 2 Corinthians 6:14 to be true.

On the way home from our movie “date,” (which I use the word loosely) as he walked me home, he reached for my hand & interlocked it with his. I looked down for a split millisecond at our intertwined fingers & then I yanked my hand out of his. (I laugh looking back! I hope no one I know saw me jerk my hand away from this man!=) This guy wasn’t for me. I didn’t know how to tell him so at the moment. He thought I was being shy or hard to get or who knows. But down deep, & slowly emerging, I knew this wasn’t my prince; he didn’t know my heavenly Father – he wasn’t even sure if He existed. He had said once that perhaps I could change him. As soon as he uttered those words something in me knew if any change came about it wouldn’t be for the right, real reason a change should take place. I didn’t want him to change for me, I only wanted him to change for himself. Soon after the movie date, he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. Oh no, just when I’m figuring out it should be over between J & me! However, I held my resolve, & soon after that I told him I just wanted to be friends, if he even wanted that. I knew I could not have a relationship with a man who refused one with my King, the One who fills the empty spots. Yes, that man was just hoping I could fill some of his voids, but I would have failed him in that. I look back & smile so brightly just knowing I didn’t give anything away to this man. He didn’t get a single one of my kisses or even the smaller-scale intimacy of holding my hand!

I know some of you may not be convinced about this whole equally yoked thing, but I encourage you to read the Word & seek God’s guidance. Do you truly want a man who doesn’t know the Father; who’s sins still engulf & condemn him because he hasn’t accepted his Savior; who doesn’t have the hope of everlasting life; who can't lead your family in a godly way? Charm & selfish desire to be wanted can take over & blind ya – believe me, I know. I’m going to say a final note about this that I sincerely hope doesn’t make me sound like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth. Some of you may know some happy godly couples who weren’t equally yoked at the start. I do, too. Here’s what I have to say… If you have someone you are interested in that isn’t a believer, but truly seems interested in knowing more about the Lord & is a general “nice” kind-hearted guy (that doesn’t invite you out to rated R movies=), & he wants to become involved with you - I say try friendship first (if at all possible) & encourage him to get to know the Lord: invite him to a group Bible study, church, etc. If he still hasn’t become a Christian after time, keep the friendship up, encouraging him in his faith (if you are just at the friendship level). If you’ve passed the friendship level, let him know you cannot be deeply involved & ultimately marry someone who isn’t a believer – show him the equally yoked Bible verse if you want to. Then, it can be in his hands to decide what he wants to do. If he doesn’t become a believer, say goodbye to him in a relationship sense. He can’t be your prince if he doesn’t know your King!

Love,

-Bess-

P.S.: J & I didn’t really remain “friends,” which is for the best in most of these type situations. After we became just “friends,” & school was out, we stopped riding the same bus, & life without phone calls, e-mails, nervous butterflies, secret smiles & charm seemed far away. I won’t say I never wondered what if & that I didn’t miss some of the excitement, but I can honestly say I felt good…just resting in God’s loving arms knowing I had done the right thing & listened to my Dadddy’s voice. I saw J on a couple occasions after, but they were just awkward times & I had to decline an invitation or two from him, but I’m so glad my prince (with the perfectly shoed white steed) who is in love with my King (then me) is out there & none of his kisses, hand holding, or anything else have been taken by another.

P.P.S.: Do you like my equally "yolked" pun? Pretty cheesy, huh?

Equally Yoked: A Lesson From A {Former} Missionary Dater, Part 1

I first posted this on my main blog {Bess' Bag} back in June of 2010.  I thought I'd repost it for you here...  It includes an entry from my actual diary!

So now, without further ado, my secret diary, which has never been seen by any other eyes except my own…

This entry was written a couple days after the events took place.

April 2007

Wednesday seemed normal at the beginning… I put on my new Proenza Schouler [from Target people=] hoodie & my dark green khakis. When I had woken up my hair had been parted on the side, so I left it, because I liked how it looked. I decided to make a short braid with the rest – unusual for me – but I liked the effect… I got on the bus, put in my $1.50, & went to my seat. Then, just as I was getting settled…a man came over & sat in the seat on the opposite aisle, across – this man was the one who days earlier when I couldn’t find one of my quarters for fare, & had asked if anyone had one, had came over & lay the coin in my hand - & then the next time I had handed one back as seemed right to do – he spoke (he was the only other on the bus, except for the driver, the usual 2 or 3 already on, were missing) “Do you want to do something this weekend?” I think I gave a shocked look – at least wide eyes – but no smile. “I don’t know,” I said slowly. He mentioned a movie [it wasn’t a good one, which should have told me right then this guy wasn’t for me…but I was still in shock (that’s my story, at least)] I gave a wrinkled up look. He smiled or laughed or something. Then said, “I’m open to suggestions.” I believe I had said many “I don’t knows” by this time. I did not even know this man! His name was J*, I learned, but nothing else. I told him my first as well. I told him I’d think about it & let him know. Why didn’t I just say ‘no.’ I blame shock [See!]. He went back to his seat in the front, saying, “I’ll give you your privacy.” [Something about that sentence makes me kinda cringe. Even then it did. I don’t know.] The rest of the long ride I had to pretend I was reading – I went many pages, but read nothing really. I had to keep a straight face [which wasn’t easy for me]. I couldn’t wait for my stop. I walked when I got out [I had quite a wait for my next bus which would take me to school.] – a drizzling sprinkle had begun, but I didn’t care... I walked around the block twice. The cold & rain not stopping me. I would have to give him an answer the next day, because Friday was Good Friday.

I waited the next day for the bus – I wanted to flee… I prayed God would help me do the right thing. I knew to say no; there were many reasons: Easter weekend, I don’t know him, I’m too young, he looks too old [He was a few years older than I.], I don’t know him, the movie he suggested I had researched it [let’s just say it really wasn’t good]. The bus came & I managed to keep my feet firm on the pavement. I got on… J said good morning, & I answered cordially. I waited for him to come back, & ask, but he didn’t. That was relieving, but I had to tell him; I didn’t know how. I pretended to read again, &...copy useless titles on an assignment page. I didn’t know what to do. It would be rude if I didn’t say. Finally my stop, my stop along with many others. I got up into the flow, past the back door which was closest, & headed for the first. I had rehearsed many ideas to tell him in my head: …”no”; “no thank you”; “thank you, no.” But when I passed [by him] I decided to say, quickly,”I decided no.” I had to say it twice. I think he might have said something, but I went down the steps & left the bus. Happy it was over. But, was that foolish. I didn’t care if it was.

I still don’t know what to do – this foolishness fills my thoughts… I’ll have to face this man everyday I ride the bus, unless he leaves. This is what comes of smiling at people – they get ideas. I was just being nice. What shall I do?

The Honest Truth
This little paragraph was written directly under the entry with a little line separating it from the rest:

Part of me wanted to say yes. Wanting to be wanted by someone. But I couldn’t. I don’t want to think about this... I’ve prayed God take it from me. Let me let it go.

*identity withheld =)

This should be the end of it right? Right! But, sadly it wasn’t…that last part of the diary entry explains why. I did learn a lot about 2 Corinthians 6:14 through this experience, though…however some of what I learned was what not to do.

To Be Continued...

The Cinderella Chronicles

I simply cannot wait for my Prince Charming to come my way… & dust the knick-knacks! Being single means all the housework falls on you, unless of course you can afford a maid. Ha! What’s a girl to do? If my life is like a fairy tale it would be titled, The Damsel & the Killer Bug or The Princess Who Took Out the Trash. So un-lovely. I am dreaming of the day when my man will squash the bugs {once it took me a couple of hours to get up the courage to kill a creepy insect that was wriggling in a most fierce way on its back – I got up on the table & cried out to the emptiness, “Someone call 911!” {tis true}}. I want to live the tale entitled, The Handsome Prince Vanquishes the Fire-Breathing Beetle. Oh for a knight who takes out the shining trash can – no matter how it clatters against his armor! I think a blissful marriage means sharing the chores. Before you say “I do,” perhaps we should establish, “What will you do?” As you can see I have pondered this way too much. 

 Here is a list of chores I believe I could carry well in a marriage: 
-shopping for groceries (I do love shopping in all its forms!) 
-laundry 
-filling/emptying the dishwasher (Note the word ‘dishwasher’ carefully.) 
-decorating (Okay, so it’s not exactly a chore, but it is a necessity {& one I shall relish}.)
-dusting 

Of course, my husband could share any of the above if he wished! =) However, I am adamant about the rubbish removal & the creepy crawly protection. One day my Prince Charming will come & sweep me off my feet to vacuum the rug! I’m waiting & wistful. 

Here’s some helpful cleaning tips while you wait: 
-If you have a dishwasher, empty it soon after it is done washing. Then, whenever you use a dish or piece of silverware, rinse it off & put it directly into the dishwasher. Whenever it gets full {or you run out of utensils or plates =)}, just merely turn it on. {This has really worked for me. No more dishes stacked in the sink!} 
 -Remember that cleaning is activity {i.e.: exercise}. Well, it is! =) Make it part of your routine. 
 -Take out trash regularly, as it can attract bugs. 
-Visit here for tons of tips Cinderella would have given her pumpkin coach to know about... Like what this does...  It's magical, indeed!
  

{source}

Love,

-Cinderella- er, I mean, -Bess-

The Shopping Cart Syndrome

There I was, pushing my cart through the grocery store, when I spotted him.  Him being a guy from all the way back in high school.  I’m 99% sure it was him – no, make it 99.9%.  He was even wearing the same style jacket I remember he wore constantly back then.  Hmmm, his style hasn’t changed.  This was where the change was – he was walking beside a young woman who was pushing a cart with a bouncing baby in the seat.  I know I caught his eye & he probably thought what I was thinking, “I know that person from high school, but what’s their name?”  I totally knew this guy back then, but now couldn’t conjure his name for anything.  Not that I’d have gone up & met the family or anything – I didn’t know him that well. 

It’s times like these, as I browse the frozen dinner section, & ponder the lives of others, that I naturally think upon my own empty cart seat – well, my purse is there, but it’s no baby {if I bounce it around the clattering of loose change could sorta sound like cooing & gurgling {in some strange, paranormal universe way}, but I digress} - & my naked left-hand ring finger.  It’s hard not to.  It’s like when you’re shopping & you spy something in someone’s cart & you think, “Oh, I’ve gotta get one of those, too” or “Whoops, I almost forgot to pick one of those up!”  It reminds you of what you don’t have & need or merely want.  Only this time, you can’t speed over to aisle 4 to pick up said item.  That’s definitely something out of another world… shopping for guys, like they were Ken dolls.  I can see it now, “I’ll take the Island Adventure one with the fadeless tan!  And look, he’s on sale!”  I guess some girls do treat guys like that {& vice versa}.  But, as for me & my cart, we will trust in the Lord’s timing!

Love,

-Bess-

My List

Have you ever made a wish list of things you want in a future husband?  Have you ever penned it down, or are characteristics floating about your mind in an unwritten list of sorts?  I've done a bit of both - writing & thinking.  

I ran across this radio podcast with Rebecca St. James {since her marriage & her new book What Is He Thinking?}.  It's an hour long, so I propped my laptop on my counter as I emptied the dishwasher & did a few things around my place, then after I heard the host {Susie Larson} talking about a wish list her son made for his future wife, I plopped down at the table & created one of my own.  Mine isn't very physically-driven.  He doesn't have to have blond locks or piercing moody gray eyes.  Don't get me wrong, I do want to be attracted to my Prince, but I don't have one set of outward standards that constitute 'handsome.'  

Click here to listen to the podcast & see Susie Larson's son's list!

Here's my list {click to enlarge}:

They're in no particular order - except for my number 1.  I want someone with his priorities straight; God has to be our first love, then each other.   

Here's a few more details...

2. Girls who have righteous earthly dads often see what they would like in a future husband through the father's godly example.  This was most definitely how it was with my beloved dad!  He worked at a hospital {he was a scientific genius guy}.  He was friends with colleagues, but it was his friendships with the janitorial staff that forever touched my heart.  It was just one bright & shining example of his humility, for me.  I still remember how so many of them showed up for his funeral.  My father knew that we are all the same - frail & in need of a Savior.

7. Sometimes I just ache to be held by a man.  I haven't really experienced that since my father passed away over 12 years ago.  Sure, I've had a few male relatives give me an embrace now & then, but it's not like when my dad was alive & I could just sit still in his strong arms... & be held.  It's at these lonely times, that I must hold on to the fact that I am held in the hand of my heavenly Daddy.

10. I want a mate who helps me grow ever closer to my first love.  Together, I want to do for others in the name of that love - the name of Christ.  In turn, I want to draw him ever closer to the Father, as well.  We must be better together.  I don't want a husband who draws me away from my truest love: my God.  

What's on your list?

Love,

-Bess-

P.S.: I made my list using Foto Flexer & a Shabby Blog extra from here {scroll down to about the middle of the page}.

It Begins

In my head, I've started this “diary” again & again in so many ways… but none of the ways seem just right.  So, I've decided to merely start & see where this goes from here.  I’ll begin by introducing myself – the writer.  Among minor & major revelations my name is Bess, I’m in my mid-twenties, & have yet to find my Prince Charming – I want to stop here to explain a few things.  I have, however, found my true Prince, the Lord Jesus Christ.  He is my first & truest love ever.  Period.  So, at the age of sweet sixteen when I became an immersed believer in my Savior, I experienced my most important day – my most important decision – ever.  I suppose it’s all downhill from here. =) Well, sometimes it does feel like I’m skittering down a steep slope as I strive to live a God-pleasing, content, life as a single girl.  This life we are living is one of trials, tribulations, & yet joy.  

Right now, my life isn't turning out like I planned – not just in the romance department.  Career aspirations & deep dreams have crumbled it seems.  I lay in their wake & can’t seem to take my eyes off the broken pieces some days.  But, I know God must have some amazing plan waiting in the wings.  It’s some mysterious plan that I can’t figure out with all the Sherlock know-how in all the world.  Sometimes I worry that there may not be a plan, but at those moments I must remind my humanity of God’s sovereignty & wait with a knowledge that there is purpose in all His ways – so much higher, even above the tallest sunflowers – they are.  I’m just waiting for the revelation of the curtain call.  I must remind myself that it is God who fulfills all my needs, not imperfect mortal friends, boyfriends, or even husbands… but the perfect love of God, Himself.  

This is my journey… my adventure as a single girl with her God.  There will be misadventures along the way to be sure, embarrassing stories where we can share the laughter; the feeling of loneliness, although I’m never alone; & times when I’ll plain fail, though I strive otherwise.  I hope here in this little “diary” you will find encouragement for your own single journey.  With God in our hearts, we have all that we need. 

Love,

-Bess-