Crushing

I had waited months for this day. I carefully chose an outfit – something that didn’t look like I was trying too hard, but cute, stylish, & modest at the same time. I wasn’t sure if this was even the day he would be returning from summer break. When I entered Sunday school he wasn’t there. A few minutes passed & he entered. But, he didn’t enter alone. He entered with a girl. 

 Let me back track a little bit to fill you in on the ramifications of his having an escort had on me. I had met him in Sunday school, he was quiet, loved the Lord, & even shared some of the hobbies my dad & I had loved. He was faithful to come every Sunday while he was in college. In short, I developed a major crush on him. He reminded me of my wonderful righteous earthly father in some ways. It wasn’t like he pursued me or we dated or anything. Quite the contrary, but still I really thought this could be the one for me. Oh yeah, I had it bad. My crush lasted more than a year & still not much happened. He instant messaged me once & we were Facebook friends, but nothing really big (even though at the time I thought the one instant message conversation we shared was huge). Still I thought this could be he that I had been waiting for. Sheesh! Then school was over for the summer & he went to his home in another city. 

 So, I did what any crush-crazed girl would do that summer. I checked his Facebook regularly, “liked” some of his posts (not too many so it became obvious), prayed about the possibility of a relationship with him & for God’s will, & when it got closer to the fall I checked to see when his school would start, then I planned. Planned my outfit, thought about what I could say, prayed some more, etc. 

 Let’s get back to the entrance to end all hope. =) I had prayed for God’s will. In the very back-est back corner of my mind, during my fashion prep & all else, I think I let in a small space for disappointment. After all, I had prayed that if he wasn’t the one God had in store that it would not be. So, when he walked in, & I sat there in all my meticulously picked attire, & a girl followed close behind I could handle it & feel God holding my heart. I truly believe that at that moment – when I had to glue what felt like a ridiculous smile on my face (& keep it there for the next 40 or so minutes) – that God taught me something huge. It had taken over a year to “prepare” for the lesson, but the lesson itself was given in less than a minute. God was teaching me to fall more in love with Him (notice the capitalization). =) He was using this to show me that I had placed this mortal boy in such esteem & standing – that he had consumed my thoughts & actions - & taken away from His place. His love – my first & truest. It wasn’t an easy lesson, but it pierced straight to my heart the instant I saw my former crush’s companion. If only I had learned this lesson prior to all this. I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my time worried over such silly things as blouses, dresses, & sparkly shoes, & most importantly I wouldn’t have misplaced God on His throne… giving love that should have been His to another who didn’t care or even know, would never fill all the empty places in my heart, nor was worthy to in the first place. Now I know falling more in love with my Lord is what should be all consuming – my obsession. One that will never disappoint, fail, or walk through the door with another date on His arm. It took a “crush”ing experience to teach me this lesson. 

 “O, how I love Jesus, because He first loved me.”

Love God First,

-Bess-