Equally Yoked: A Lesson From A {Former} Missionary Dater, Part 2

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness & wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” -2 Corinthians 6:14 NIV

This is a continuation of my last post “My Secret Diary: For Your Eyes Only” (I recommend you read that first if you haven’t=). So, remember my bus guy (J) who asked me to an awful movie, but was “open to suggestions,” whom I “politely” declined? As I said in the last post, it shoulda been the end of the story. I knew this man wasn’t a Christian because of the flick he suggested… here comes the but… But, he pursued me! I mean being asked out was huge in itself, but being pursued, now that was a whole other ball of wax! This guy was seeking me & my good favor. I felt wanted, special, & worthwhile to a guy. It felt good. So, somehow my “no” on the movie date metamorphosed into e-mails, phone calls, a lunch meeting, & a movie date (this one was PG). What on earth had happened & what was I thinking?!

I was charmed by this new feeling in my life. I was charmed by my pursuer. The charm was making my emotions a hazy mess! How much do I care for J? Could he be the one – my prince charming? (NOTE TO SELF: He did ride in on a bus, not a white steed. But, maybe his horse was getting re-shoed. Horses need footwear right?) Do I care simply because he cares for me? I told J early on that the most important thing he should know about me was that I am a Christian. I asked him what the most important thing I should know about him was – it wasn’t Christ. But, I still held on to the fact that perhaps I could change him.

Bess’ Handy Dictionary Definitions
Missionary Dating: dating a non-believer in hopes that you can change the other person (i.e.: lead them to Christ) while pursuing the relationship; also known as a bad idea!

Missionary dating – yes, they stuck a label to this thing – seemed perfectly logical in the moment (covered over with the charm). I mean, you try to lead people to Christ anyways…wouldn’t it be easier to try & lead your guy to the Lord? I could be meant to help this man & then we fall in love & live happily ever after! I prayed for God’s will & wisdom in this crazy feeling situation. I couldn’t rely on my emotions to grant me sound guidance.

During this time I felt a surprising closeness to the Lord. (I look back & thank Him, because without the feeling of His strong presence (which is constant, we just don’t always feel it), I could have done things I would have regretted.) I had never shared my faith so much. I had never stood up for Jesus against someone who looked upon Christianity as some optimist’s “fairy tales” (yep, he used those words). Though, hear me now, I don’t recommend missionary dating to boost your spiritual life. In fact, I think God used this time as a wake-up call to remind me I’m supposed to be sharing my faith openly…something I still find myself working on (you know, I've discovered that there are a lot of things we are lifelong learners at). On the flip side, it doesn’t always end up like this. In missionary dating someone’s gonna change, & you don’t want to find yourself on the other side of the coin skipping Bible studies & church to be with your ungodly guy – a deep pit I’ve seen many girls fall into. If I had truly been attracted head-over-heels with this guy, & let our relationship get deep, I’m afraid that could have easily been me. Yes, I now know 2 Corinthians 6:14 to be true.

On the way home from our movie “date,” (which I use the word loosely) as he walked me home, he reached for my hand & interlocked it with his. I looked down for a split millisecond at our intertwined fingers & then I yanked my hand out of his. (I laugh looking back! I hope no one I know saw me jerk my hand away from this man!=) This guy wasn’t for me. I didn’t know how to tell him so at the moment. He thought I was being shy or hard to get or who knows. But down deep, & slowly emerging, I knew this wasn’t my prince; he didn’t know my heavenly Father – he wasn’t even sure if He existed. He had said once that perhaps I could change him. As soon as he uttered those words something in me knew if any change came about it wouldn’t be for the right, real reason a change should take place. I didn’t want him to change for me, I only wanted him to change for himself. Soon after the movie date, he told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. Oh no, just when I’m figuring out it should be over between J & me! However, I held my resolve, & soon after that I told him I just wanted to be friends, if he even wanted that. I knew I could not have a relationship with a man who refused one with my King, the One who fills the empty spots. Yes, that man was just hoping I could fill some of his voids, but I would have failed him in that. I look back & smile so brightly just knowing I didn’t give anything away to this man. He didn’t get a single one of my kisses or even the smaller-scale intimacy of holding my hand!

I know some of you may not be convinced about this whole equally yoked thing, but I encourage you to read the Word & seek God’s guidance. Do you truly want a man who doesn’t know the Father; who’s sins still engulf & condemn him because he hasn’t accepted his Savior; who doesn’t have the hope of everlasting life; who can't lead your family in a godly way? Charm & selfish desire to be wanted can take over & blind ya – believe me, I know. I’m going to say a final note about this that I sincerely hope doesn’t make me sound like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth. Some of you may know some happy godly couples who weren’t equally yoked at the start. I do, too. Here’s what I have to say… If you have someone you are interested in that isn’t a believer, but truly seems interested in knowing more about the Lord & is a general “nice” kind-hearted guy (that doesn’t invite you out to rated R movies=), & he wants to become involved with you - I say try friendship first (if at all possible) & encourage him to get to know the Lord: invite him to a group Bible study, church, etc. If he still hasn’t become a Christian after time, keep the friendship up, encouraging him in his faith (if you are just at the friendship level). If you’ve passed the friendship level, let him know you cannot be deeply involved & ultimately marry someone who isn’t a believer – show him the equally yoked Bible verse if you want to. Then, it can be in his hands to decide what he wants to do. If he doesn’t become a believer, say goodbye to him in a relationship sense. He can’t be your prince if he doesn’t know your King!

Love,

-Bess-

P.S.: J & I didn’t really remain “friends,” which is for the best in most of these type situations. After we became just “friends,” & school was out, we stopped riding the same bus, & life without phone calls, e-mails, nervous butterflies, secret smiles & charm seemed far away. I won’t say I never wondered what if & that I didn’t miss some of the excitement, but I can honestly say I felt good…just resting in God’s loving arms knowing I had done the right thing & listened to my Dadddy’s voice. I saw J on a couple occasions after, but they were just awkward times & I had to decline an invitation or two from him, but I’m so glad my prince (with the perfectly shoed white steed) who is in love with my King (then me) is out there & none of his kisses, hand holding, or anything else have been taken by another.

P.P.S.: Do you like my equally "yolked" pun? Pretty cheesy, huh?

Equally Yoked: A Lesson From A {Former} Missionary Dater, Part 1

I first posted this on my main blog {Bess' Bag} back in June of 2010.  I thought I'd repost it for you here...  It includes an entry from my actual diary!

So now, without further ado, my secret diary, which has never been seen by any other eyes except my own…

This entry was written a couple days after the events took place.

April 2007

Wednesday seemed normal at the beginning… I put on my new Proenza Schouler [from Target people=] hoodie & my dark green khakis. When I had woken up my hair had been parted on the side, so I left it, because I liked how it looked. I decided to make a short braid with the rest – unusual for me – but I liked the effect… I got on the bus, put in my $1.50, & went to my seat. Then, just as I was getting settled…a man came over & sat in the seat on the opposite aisle, across – this man was the one who days earlier when I couldn’t find one of my quarters for fare, & had asked if anyone had one, had came over & lay the coin in my hand - & then the next time I had handed one back as seemed right to do – he spoke (he was the only other on the bus, except for the driver, the usual 2 or 3 already on, were missing) “Do you want to do something this weekend?” I think I gave a shocked look – at least wide eyes – but no smile. “I don’t know,” I said slowly. He mentioned a movie [it wasn’t a good one, which should have told me right then this guy wasn’t for me…but I was still in shock (that’s my story, at least)] I gave a wrinkled up look. He smiled or laughed or something. Then said, “I’m open to suggestions.” I believe I had said many “I don’t knows” by this time. I did not even know this man! His name was J*, I learned, but nothing else. I told him my first as well. I told him I’d think about it & let him know. Why didn’t I just say ‘no.’ I blame shock [See!]. He went back to his seat in the front, saying, “I’ll give you your privacy.” [Something about that sentence makes me kinda cringe. Even then it did. I don’t know.] The rest of the long ride I had to pretend I was reading – I went many pages, but read nothing really. I had to keep a straight face [which wasn’t easy for me]. I couldn’t wait for my stop. I walked when I got out [I had quite a wait for my next bus which would take me to school.] – a drizzling sprinkle had begun, but I didn’t care... I walked around the block twice. The cold & rain not stopping me. I would have to give him an answer the next day, because Friday was Good Friday.

I waited the next day for the bus – I wanted to flee… I prayed God would help me do the right thing. I knew to say no; there were many reasons: Easter weekend, I don’t know him, I’m too young, he looks too old [He was a few years older than I.], I don’t know him, the movie he suggested I had researched it [let’s just say it really wasn’t good]. The bus came & I managed to keep my feet firm on the pavement. I got on… J said good morning, & I answered cordially. I waited for him to come back, & ask, but he didn’t. That was relieving, but I had to tell him; I didn’t know how. I pretended to read again, &...copy useless titles on an assignment page. I didn’t know what to do. It would be rude if I didn’t say. Finally my stop, my stop along with many others. I got up into the flow, past the back door which was closest, & headed for the first. I had rehearsed many ideas to tell him in my head: …”no”; “no thank you”; “thank you, no.” But when I passed [by him] I decided to say, quickly,”I decided no.” I had to say it twice. I think he might have said something, but I went down the steps & left the bus. Happy it was over. But, was that foolish. I didn’t care if it was.

I still don’t know what to do – this foolishness fills my thoughts… I’ll have to face this man everyday I ride the bus, unless he leaves. This is what comes of smiling at people – they get ideas. I was just being nice. What shall I do?

The Honest Truth
This little paragraph was written directly under the entry with a little line separating it from the rest:

Part of me wanted to say yes. Wanting to be wanted by someone. But I couldn’t. I don’t want to think about this... I’ve prayed God take it from me. Let me let it go.

*identity withheld =)

This should be the end of it right? Right! But, sadly it wasn’t…that last part of the diary entry explains why. I did learn a lot about 2 Corinthians 6:14 through this experience, though…however some of what I learned was what not to do.

To Be Continued...